I wish it was real, a dream (almost a story) about the pain of forbidden and unforgotten love.
It all started in a small country town. A group of my friends were laughing and making fun of each other in a friendly way. We all seemed to be between the ages of 15 – 17 and then he arrived. It was normal for him to be there because he was one of the group, but my heart exploded and the feelings I felt for him were pure. He had thick black hair that seemed to be feathered out to his neck, but this was it’s natural style, he was slim, slightly tanned and had a pointed face and somewhat pointed and slim nose, smaller then normal brown eyes but they were radiant and gave an aura of a mischievous kindness. His lips were slim but always curled into a smile. Together his face was not all together beautiful but it warmed me none the less. He was a trickster, a joker and sometimes quite naughty but he treated his friends with a lot of respect. And that was what we were, just friends but everyone knew that I liked him, and my heart even said it was love. I desperately wanted to tell him how I felt, and I thought maybe he felt the same because he looked at me differently, he eyes were more focused, more direct and he talked for longer, but I was too scared that he would reject me and our friendship would be lost.
A long few months passed and my fear of rejection still stopped me from asking him all the things I had wanted to. For time alone just him and I together, to laugh and just share the beautiful moments of the world together in our own way, for no one else to intrude into the world we had created. Even after all that time, he still looked at me and treated me the same way.
One day, a group of the girls in the group were standing behind a shed at someone’s house passing around a cigarette and all telling stories of the boys they liked, and then it was my turn. “I think we all know who I like. He has the greatest smile, the funniest sense of humor and is hot.” Everyone laughed and giggled and then he walked around the shed to face me, my face blushing bright red. “Anyone I know?” He asked trying to hold back a bubbling laugh. “Ah, maybe.” I said slightly sarcastically a friend handing the cigarette to me and doing my finest to act cool while the smoke felt like it was choking me. “Smooth” he laughed taking it out of my hands and inhaling himself shaking his head. Then I caught it, one of my friends looked between me and my hearts greatest treasure her lips pursed into a vicious frame and jealousy firing through her eyes, I felt my stomach drop, she had been my longest friend and I knew something bad was going to change.
Over the next few months it was as if war had been declared and I the shy reserved person against the outgoing, loud and at times abrupt friend had no hope. She had her targets set on him and was not going to rest until he was hers and my heart had been crushed. A band had been formed and he was apart of it, it was no secret that my friend was able to hold a note and soon appointed herself the lead singer of the band. They soon spent a lot of time together and over the months that followed they became an item and I drifted apart from the group, always feeling that something was missing. Like driving in a car and revving up the gears almost at the point to reaching top gear, but the car spluttering and dying, before you could reach it’s true potential.
A long twenty years had passed and life had changed dramatically. I had a successful career as an Actress and had moved to America to star in a large number of film and television shows and was married to a kind and loving producer. We had no children but loved each other dearly. A reunion was being held at my old school and I was returning to Australia for it, all my old fears returned to me. The once shy and reserved person I was haunted me, wanting me to run into the closet and never come out. The school made a big deal about me being at the reunion because of how well I had progressed in life and this scared me even more. Even after all I had done the searing pain of seeing him again and my friend worried me. So much so I felt ill. And still my heart said to me, it would drop everything just to be with him, could I even control myself, I had too.
We made our way into the small town in a white limousine that had been organized by the school. I had said I did not want a big fuss and meant it, but they were not taking no for an answer. My husband held my hand tightly, although he did not know the whole story he could cell I was nervous, more so then he had ever seen before. We stayed in the best hotel the town had to offer, and although it was nothing compared to the five star accommodation I lived in, it was the best I had ever had in this town and I laughed childishly rushing to the bed to jump on it. My husband looked up at me his mouth open, I laughed and continued to jump until my arms and legs grew tired. I felt angry at him, rushing to the bathroom to cry.
The next day arrived and we were attending the reunion event. Everyone gushed up in dresses possibly the best they will ever own, while I wore a dress loaned from a top designer, and I felt stupid. I didn’t want to be parading around here like I was better then anyone, but that is how I was treated, and if I did anything that made them think I was unhappy they would think I was snobby and rude. It had been organized that I along with a number of people would be putting on a small play at the start. A large crowd had crown in front of a theatre and I came out in a small light white dress and blonde wig, a dramatic scene in which I rushed to the aid of a large man fallen from his horse and drying. I was the voice of death that carried him into the next world. When the play had finished we bowed and my eyes caught him, my heart fluttered and I kept my bow longer then I intended some noticing my gave toward the man that now had graying hair, but his vivid eyes remained the same, but his lips that had always been a smile was gone, they now burrowed into the corners in deep frowns.
That night while I slept in the motel dreams haunted me. I dreamt I was at his house alone with him, and we pushed my old friend down the stairs killing her, but she came back to life stopping us from being together even in death. The dream shifted and we were alone together again and about to kiss each other for the first time, but I was woken by my husband to say we had to get ready to leave, he sounded more happy about this then his face looked, like he was trying to hide his enthusiasm about leaving.
“Are you ready to go?” My husband asked while I stared out the window. I was about to agree and follow him, let my one chance slip out of my fingers and maybe years later I would forget all about this, and all would be okay. But I had to talk to him, if nothing ever happened I had to at least hear his voice and be close to him, and then I could continue to live my life in a shell and remember the moment forever.
I went alone, I did not want the strong presence of my husband that sometimes made people nervous to make this situation anymore difficult then it could be, and I kept asking myself, what I was doing, how would I handle this. What was this situation? Was it just two friends talking to each other like it had once been, was she going to be there. My hands knocking on their front door brought my mind back to focus.
I could hear children’s screams from inside saying someone was at the door a female voice replying to shut up, then the door opened and he was staring at me, the same smile crossing his lips and his voice saying to me “What a surprise to see big Hollywood here.” I laughed but felt shy and insecure. Was I supposed to go in the house or run away with him now why the chance was open? “A walk?” He asked while I nodded and replied “Sure, I would love too.” The America sound of my voce seeming quite alien to his familiar Australia, while I wondered if love was the correct word to use in that sentence.
While we walked we talked about everything, how school used to be, what life was like now for me and how he had four children and how she was going, the old friend of mine that had now became his wife. I tried to pretend I was interested but I was cold on the subject and he could tell. “So, what are your plans for the future?” He asked and this caught me off guard. I must have looked shocked because he put his hand over my shoulder and laughed it off. “I don’t know, maybe I will run away with you, before it’s too late.” He withdrew his arm and I regretted what I had said immediately. “I don’t know why you would want to do that, I’m not exactly worth much.” He joked pretending to look through his pockets. You are to me, I told myself. “I guess sometimes you regret the moments you didn’t do what your heart really wanted, and sometimes it becomes too late.” I sighed and he now realized the true direction of the conversation. “I guess so” he agreed.” A wave of sadness now covered him as well, did he regret the same as me. “I always loved you, but was so weak.” I said softly. He looked up at me, his eyes looked scared. “I liked you too, but we are not in that moment anymore. We are both married; I have children I don’t want to wreck their lives. I’m sorry.” I could feel the tears streaming down from my eyes but I knew he was right, even if my heart disagreed. “It was good to see you.” I said my voice choking. “Yeah, you too. We’ll have to do this again some time.” But his words did not seem so sincere. I walked away, and never saw him again.
I have never really had a dream like this before. When I woke up I still felt like I was so in love with this person, who I have never met before. If I ever met him, I would recognize him straight away and it would probably be a fight with myself to say it was just a dream and he is not the same person. I wish he was real, but maybe he will be in own stories, I guess time will tell.