Can this be a falling leaf, from heavens tree

16 years

I am feeling rather low at the moment. Normally I just ignore it and think about something else, rather then blab on about it here. But I feel like I have to rip it from my chest to stop the black demon sucking the life from my soul.

Mum and I have been arguing a lot this past week. We usually get on very well, but we have been rude and unforgiving. I will even admit that most of it if not 90% is probably my fault. For being locked in this dark place, trying to find some air. We did have a mild conversation today, she had to agree with me when I said I wasn’t really good for anything right now. I am neither supportive or provide anything useful to them, or anyone really. I am somewhat of a leech, just sucking the rewards from others. I don’t try to do this on purpose I am just so angry and lost at the moment and probably have been for a while.

An added insult is the fact we have mice in the house at the moment. Most likely they came from the holes Dad drilled right through the floor for the TV. I bailed out of my own room, because it didn’t feel clean and slept in another room. I went to get into that bed today (which is up the other end of the hall), pulled back the covers and a mouse was scurying around. It was making a nest in the pillow. The same one I slept on that night before. I know why the cat was running mentally on the bed and sniffing around. I even woke up at one point thinking it was a mouse she was after, but just thought I was being paranoid because of them being in my own room.

I don’t want to kill or harm the mice, I just don’t like having them in my room or the house. It makes me feel unsettled and unclean. I will have to take everything out of my room and clean it individually to get rid of any germs and look for mice if there is any still here. Then try and plug up the giant holes.

Sometimes being an emotional/creative person can be a tough challenge. Like usual I’ll wake up one day and think of some other stupid thing I want or think I can do and smile on the inside, but still have that stupid look on my face. Maybe I should try and get the problem fixed. But half the time I can never talk about the things locked down deep inside. I try, but then think whoever I talk with that they are not really interested and my vocals unimportant. Or my words get twisted up and the meaning of what I am saying gets lost and they just think I am talking about nothing. But, then. Perhaps nothing is everything and I am nothing itself.

I’ll take a rest for a few days, and try to get my head on. I’ve said a few times I wish I was dead and I don’t think I mean that completely. There is indeed some part that wants to live. I just go like a yoyo and I don’t think that is probably healthy. For me or anyone else that has to deal with it.

6 Responses

  1. Aw, hun. I have these days (or weeks, if there is something going on) too. I have bad anxiety issues so some days Ill just wake up on the bad side of life and the whole day will make me feel terrible, no matter what happens. You not getting any good rest with all the mice certainly doesn’t help either. When my anxiety gets really bad I try to sleep it off, if I truly can’t find anything better to do to make me happier (talking it out with a friend who can joke and make you feel less serious about the situation helps too). And usually when I wake up I feel slightly less anxiety-ridden. Sometimes I feel totally better, sometimes I don’t. Usually it helps, but you just gotta find what makes you happier and go do it. A lot of times when people are sad they tend to drift toward things that make them even sadder. While its perfectly okay and probably healthy to acknowledge your feelings, it’s probably going to make you feel better if you try to engage yourself in something thats a lot more immediately positive and uplifting. like… when people are sad they listen to sad music or they cry. This is all good, to get it out, but don’t let it go on for too long. Try to listen to a song that puts you in a happier mood, find something that makes you happy. Its all in what you do… try to distance yourself from the stuff that makes you unhappy at the moment (perhaps your mom, for a little while)…. we all have those days. But thats life, and after a hard time, a better time will follow 🙂 Good luck.

  2. *huggles* I think I some point everyone doubts themselves and what they’re living for. It’s a hard time at our age, trying to transition from being that little kid that clings to our parents into an independent person. You just haven’t found what you’re looking for yet. But you will and you’ll make it through because I know you’re a very strong person. Hang in there and keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. <3

  3. Before I start my rather long reply (or at least I think it will be), I love the look of the site! I know the theme isn’t yours (I am a lurker and bad commenter rolled into one) but I love all the things you have added, very nice for someone like me. 😀

    I know how it is to feel like a leech, because I am, also. I was once homeschooled, until my parents felt like it would be better to go ahead get my GED (not sure if they have it there or not, but it’s a “certificate” of sorts, telling you you have graduated from high school) and that was two years ago. For fours years, I did nothing, until November 2006, and since then I’ve been cleaning the house and taking care of everything, making things run smoothly. Despite doing that, I still feel the same way you do. I do get in pissy moods when I feel the “dark hole” wrapping it’s muscular arms around me and trying to draw me under, a lot like my younger sister (and stronger – her shoulders are like a line backers!) trying to dunk me under water. It induces panic and then the need to lash out to make oneself feel better. I definitely know how you feel, and how hard it is to cope with when feeling that bad, but I can assure, you are no leech to me. 😀 I know you don’t necessarily give anything to the family, but I know even if you had a million dollars to give your parents, they wouldn’t be happy with anything other than your love. Be the Kya that you want to be! Sometimes it takes a couple of years living with the parents to get ahead.

    And I swear I feel like a therapist now. It’s very hard to get my feelings into words, so I am sorry if I sound bitchy or commercial-like. Maybe I can put it into words another day. P:

  4. Hello,

    I understand,Exactly how you feel about how you feel when it comes to yourself.Been through what you’re going through numerous times to wheres that it has taken a toll on me.Sometimes that can make your mind feel like it wants to burst.Also,Sometimes its best to find a spot in the house that you feel comfortable at and just sit there or just read a book.Just be alone for a while to make your mind feel at ease.I try to do that and then im feeling ok.

    Natasha [LadyUT,] last blogged: Rihanna Take a bow/Alicia Keys Teenage love affair.

  5. Oh my love. *hug* I guess maybe it feels like words aren’t enough right now to pull you out of this gloom, but I’ve read the comments above and they are all very true – going through these transitional changes and moments in life can really be very dark at times, and make you feel like all solutions are running away from you, but I assure you that being the strong-minded, inspirational and generous woman you are – regardless of how you feel like you are a “leech” at times – you can pull yourself through this. *squish* Sometimes I feel the same – “what am I giving to my family? What is my unique input? I’m being inspired be all these amazingly inventive and daring people, and then there’s me, taking it all in but not blossoming it all out.” But I think that we all feel such a way when we’ve been drained or overworked – not neccessarily physically but a lot of the time mentally, in our own specific and sometimes very private ways. So I think it’s a really good idea you’re about to take a break from everything and just reflect on how you’ve been. And so you may feel like a falling leaf now, but gradually something will come into your life with your own support, and you’ll be a leaf a-blowin’ in the wind, reaching a fresh destination. You’re capable of *anything* if you really believe you are. And you really, really are. I’m sorry if I sound like Oprah Winfrey. But these are really the things that can make you realise the truth in dark, gloomy times.

    I also agree with a lot of what Tess said – right now, you’re living with your parents and you may not feel it explicitly but I feel like can often have a sort of closing effect on your development. My brother and sister – both in their mid and late 20s – feel different levels of that, depending on their personality. My sister feels very happy but a little trapped. My brother is a family man, so he is purely happy living with my parents. But I feel that sometimes you need to take a risk and do something different and really wild and independent to realise your parental relationship. Next year I’m moving out for University, and I’m hoping that can pull me out of my sweet bubble land with my family, whom I adore, but just so that I can realise my own self and then appreciate my family even more, for more unique reasons on my side. But we all approach independence in different ways – mine is only an example! Your parents will always, always love you and appreciate everything you are giving to them 100% of the day, everyday. So you are not a leech to them at all. I’m sure they just want you to realise your full potential (Oprah, Oprah…) and perhaps take the neccessary risk.

    I love you. 🙂 I’m sorry if I’ve lectured you or anything, or if I’ve whipped out one too many a cheesy phrase, but I mean every word. You mean a lot to me and to read about how you feel here has made me feel fervent to help you realise just how amazing you are, and how we all go through these glooms at a certain time.

    And I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately – I haven’t had the Internet for the past 3 weeks or so and you’re my first place to catch up with. I love you and regardless of anything, am here for you if you need anything at all. Come to London so we can have tea parties with our lovelies! Or call me whenever you like to. 😀

    I’ve written an essay. GONK. SKANK. BOOB.

    Raine last blogged: No one seems to listen..

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