I sit in my bedroom and see hundreds of doors waiting to be opened and explored, with vast worlds and universes behind each and every one of them. But I sit here and struggle to find my own. I’m a teenager, a child, a squirming organism on the cusp of evolution, but this gives me no clue to my identity, or my path to a brighter and more fulfilling world. I’m supposedly an adult, but what does this truly mean, especially if one can not grasp the simplicities of life. Perhaps what I want, what I really strive to obtain is already at my fingertips and I feel too guilty, too scared to recognise, feel and embrace it. Does it take a shift of tectonic proportions to alter my way of thinking, to break free of a closed mind, or am I too idle to ever try. Maybe, just maybe, without thinking or trying to justify every situation in existence you have to let it run free, and follow its natural process. But how do you stop a straying mind that wants to fear each angle of a sphered humanity. I can’t pretend that I am a human god, unbreakable and strong sitting on a pedestal. I’m a face in a crowd with dreams and aspirations, one that is lucky to be granted many missed opportunities.
I do not say that I am living in a black hole of no hope. I just try to widen my perspective that each day is the same and no matter the clothes or disguises it wears I can not escape it. I can not pretend that I am able to pause or rewind lost time or live in each moment as if the seconds are slowing. I must be awake to the realisation that this is here, this is now and this moment will never be again, but it has been in my life and I can only admire that it has. I do not need to feel doomed by this reality but try, however hard it may be to embrace this and use it to push myself up and out of a burrowed place. I am one of the billions, I am not gifted, smart or brave and it may take years to fully understand this. But who I am, and what I can master in my own time can not be controlled by the minds of others. In a universal language I am only a small entity and the field of life around me, I hope to leave perhaps a small memory, one that does not fret and worry as much as I have.
I try not to pretend in the reality that is, but when my time and desires are spent in creating ones that are not, a fine line must be walked.